The Original Shinjuice

The story of the legend of the mystery...

Created during a drunken week of camping and LARPing and bitching about women, ShinJuice is the pride of a man known by many names. Since 2006, there has grown a culture, or maybe a cult, around the drink and the secrecy of the recipe.

Syrron (then known as Shinzon, hence the name, "Shin's Juice") and Sin (his brother from another mother and possibly another dimension as well) were so intoxicated by the end of that week, they could barely remember their own names. It was also that week they met and became the inseparable (insufferable?) duo they are now. It would take Syrron a full year to remember what went into that magical Original Batch™. However...

The next couple years that followed were the dark times... the recipe was not perfect. There was something missing. Syrron tried various combinations (cue SCIENCE MONTAGE CLIP) of alcohols, mixes, black magic... but to no avail. He left a batch to sit under refrigeration for over a month before trying again. And when he sampled that batch, it was AMAZING (or so Syrron tells us). So, the Thirty Day Recipe™ was born and until 2015 it was the officially accepted recipe.

In the summer of 2015, when making a full batch for a social gathering, Syrron discovered adding the two Super Secret Ingredients (also known as òòòòò and xktphlllld) would give the same flavor as the Thirty Day Recipe but without the wait. "Eureka," he exclaimed (probably not, but this story needs some dialogue). With this discovery, The Original Recipe™ was modified and codified and mystified and even objectified.

Now, as with any Great Thing, there are imitations. And with ShinJuice, that's okay because when asked to make a ShinJuice at most bars, you'll find that they won't have the two Super Secret Ingredients. Never. They never will. Just won't happen. Sometimes, they won't even have one of the Four Key Ingredients, and it is okay to substitute that one (and only that one, God help you...) for something similar. What you get, sans the two Secret Ingredients or by subbing one of the Four Key Ingredients, is a Dirty ShinJuice™.

Convoluted, right? (There used to be a flowchart...)

If you want to order a Dirty ShinJuice at a bar, let your bartender know what you are about to do... and make damn sure you tip because you are about to take up a lot of their very, very valuable time. Call Syrron and hand your phone to the bartender. The bartender will ask for the Dirty ShinJuice recipe. Not you, the bartender and only the bartender. There's a bit of information Syrron will need from them, and he will verify that information. He's NSA/CIA/FBI/CDC/ex-girlfriend like that. And yes, that means you might not be getting a Dirty ShinJuice the same night, and yes, he is very damned serious about this.

There are two people that know the complete and official recipe. When it changes to three, it'll be a Big Damned Deal. When it changes to one, it'll be a Sad Damned Day. The Original Shinjuice™ (2015 Edition) (also known as "the only real recipe because we threw the other ones in the trash"), is actually only known to Syrron and his brother, Sin. A complete copy of the recipe is kept in a secret and secure file by Syrron. There is also a P&L spreadsheet that tracks yield and costs. (Because, of course there is...)

We do not speak of the bastard Newark Recipe. Ever. Yes, Courtney, that means you. And thanks to COVID-19, the bizarre Christmas mint batch of Fall 2018 finally came to an end in May 2021. Lessons have been learned and we should not dwell on such things.

If you are lucky enough to cross paths with Syrron and Sin together at the same karaoke bar, you should ask for "the rest of the story." You will be treated to background details and a song. Yes, seriously. There's a song that goes along with the story.

"Take, drink; this is ShinJuice." When Syrron offers you ShinJuice, know this: he is sharing a part of his life story with you. Also, he tasted your drink before handing it to you to make sure it was made correctly. He's such a nice guy.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe... all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Enjoy, and be well, my friends.

WARNING

The Original Shinjuice may cause an inability to breathe, temporary tooth loss, redundancy, a complete collapse of civilization, testicular inversion in women, inner-ear euphoria, olfactory hallucinations, idiopathic colitis, ramndo dyslexia, sticky wallet, bee's knees, unexplained onset of cursing, profanity, redundancy, skeletal relaxation, acute hyperphasia, liberal gynoperception (or androperception), public micturition, unwanted pregnancy, reverse peristalsis, rotary supination, acute amnesia, a not so cute amnesia, redundancy, auroral hypersensitivity, death, speaking in tongues, appearance of new religions, abduction by aliens, prolonged erection, soreness in hair, loss of ability to use the internet, and redundancy. If symptoms persist longer than seventy three hours, contact a virgin. Do not consume if you are allergic to air, water, placebos, or redundancy.

The Original Shinjuice is not:

  • lubrication,

  • currency,

  • free,

  • up for debate,

  • like that thing you made once in college, and/or

  • wrong.